who are you competing with?

how to be a better mom and woman

Who am I competing with and does competing help me to be a better women? Does it teach me how to be a better mom? Why do I often never feeling good enough? This question has plagued me my entire life. Stop for a minute and think about this question. Who are you competing with and why? What comes to your mind? A persons face? An inner voice? A memory of the past?

Does that question make you want to cry? To scream? Do you feel tightness in your chest? Or instead do you feel driven, smile and feel energized?

Call it being a first born, or a Virgo or just plain old self driven. Call it being a woman or just human but gosh darn it this question is haunting me lately. Who are you competing with, Kelly? Because I’m competing with something and it’s making me crazy. I am very much a driven person. Ask my parents and they’ll say I’ve been this way since I was little. I’ve always had self motivation. I hate when people say “you’re so lucky.” Lucky my tukus. Luck is when timing meets preparation. As a result I have been fortunate and things go my way a lot, but not always. Not getting on a team I wanted onto, or not being accepted into a class I want, or a company saying they don’t want to work with me always pisses me off. Not winning infuriates me.

Funny story – I remember being in London with my family when I was around 18 years old. I was standing in front of Buckingham Palace. Maybe I had a mad look on my face because my Mom asked me what was wrong? I replied “I’m pissed. Why can’t we go in there? I just want to say hello and look around. And yet no – there are gates and we are forbidden. Stupid.” Ha! It was like my Mom was asking “Who are you competing with?” and my answer was the Queen of England! Come on, Kelly! Stop it! The word “no” has always both made me angry to the core and fueled me.

Competition is healthy, my husband says. Because with competition you can use it positively to help motivate or focus you. What isn’t healthy is when it controls you or leaves you never feeling good enough. Sometimes I fall victim to this. I lose sleep over things from my past that upset me. Or cry over something that happened with old friends years ago. I get upset wondering why wasn’t I accepted? And with this blog I wonder, will it succeed? Will I look stupid if it doesn’t?

I have two sisters I adore. Both mothers and our children are all the same age. I’m so grateful for this. What brings me enormous comfort is talking to them and knowing that we are all in similar boats. However our boats look differently from each others. One sister prefers a paddle boat. She goes slowly in life and takes time to enjoy things. The paddle boat may be not working well and the kids may be screaming it’s too slow bur darn it she’s going to smile and point every reason that paddle boat rocks even if she hates the thing herself. She’ll never say out loud the negatives of her boat.

My other sister has no control over her boat. Her boys have already taken the wheel and thought it funny to put a hole in it to see how fast it can sink so she’s already figured out where the life vests are, looked up the coordinates for the nearest land and good news – she has snacks for everyone while they swim ashore! She knew this would happen and she’s prepared. She’s wound up and stressed but darn it this is her boat and she knew it would sink so we are making the sinking a fun adventure!

And I am on a motorboat. Going as fast as I can against either choppy water. Every crash into a wave jerks our heads up and down and makes our necks sore. But it’s exhilaration, right? Freedom! Do you feel that breeze from going so fast?! We are headed to a new island or sometimes just spinning in circles. As a result, the motor dies. I’ll take a moment and stop and look at the sky and think “boy, my sister looks so peaceful on her paddle boat and man, my other sister really could use some help” but then I fix my motor and go right back motoring as fast as I can! Because I simply do not understand how to move at any other pace than full steam ahead.

never feeling good enough

The truth is I’m competing with myself. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t yet grown into my own skin. Or perhaps I still need to know how to stand tall and grounded and accept who I am and say “to hell” with those who don’t like me, but I’m not quite there yet. It’s a goal for sure. I have a very supportive husband who is 100% on my team and believes in me. I should listen to him more often (right now he’s very happy I said that.)

Ladies, competition is good. Being driven is good. Letting it control your sleep, your joy, your anxiety is not. I don’t have an answer to this blog post – if I did I wouldn’t have written it. I’d be a best selling self help guru, but I’m not. I just send this message into the void that if you’re feeling the same way, you’re not alone.

So who are you competing with? Is it necessary or is it best to acknowledge it and move along? Is it helping you learn how to be a better mom? A friend? A woman? Would love to know your thoughts.

I’m ending this with some sweet photos from around eight years ago of my daughter and I on a speedboat. The boys hadn’t yet been born. As much as I stress maybe, despite it all, we really do enjoy the fast speed and bumps! And perhaps, just maybe, the questioning of myself helps me to really look deep inside to help teach me how to be a better mom.

Books by author I love whose work I find very insightful.

Enjoy this article? You may enjoy this post I wrote about my depression & gratitude.