I may be losing my mind

I think I’m losing my damn mind. You read that right. I may very well be losing my mind. Like — all of it. Four weeks ago I had knee surgery. Turns out a stupid trampoline fall made me rupture my ACL, tear my Meniscus and fracture my MCL. And because I ignored said trampoline fall I also sprained a few ligaments in there by ignoring the injury for 5 weeks.

Clarification: fine, I’ll admit it, it wasn’t a stupid fall. I was doing cheerleader toe touches acting as if I’m 18 again. And then after falling I continued to do flips and joust with my husband in a foam pit. I’m a stupid freaking person what can I say.

Here’s the darned truth – when the surgeon told me it will take a full 9-12 month to recover I though “bah – I’ve delivered 3 children, the last two were identical twins delivered via c-section. One week after c-section we moved houses and I immediately started re-decorating when everyone else said recovery was hard.” So yea – I basically didn’t listen to her at all when she said this would be tough and I would be immobile for awhile.

I genuinely thought 4 weeks later I’d be back at the gym, rowing, getting my house in order, blah blah blah.

That should set you up for understanding my current mindset.

So here I sit. And I sit a lot. I’m a stay at home Mom so I’m grateful that I can rest. The trouble is, I have never ever in my life rested. I mean, what does that work even mean? Even staying home I’ve basically acted like an octopus doing 8 different things all at once. Not well mind you, but I’m always busy. I know no other speed.

The word rest to me means too much freaking time on my hands to:

+ stare at my messy house I can’t clean.

+ write blogs about organizing a house when I can’t even walk from this computer to the bathroom without serious effort.

+ scrutinize over the direction of this blog.

People. Blogging for me is therapeutic. I love to write. I love to share. I’m that friend you call when life hit the fan and you need to talk it out. I’m not so much the party on the table tops friend.

Perhaps I’m not writing enough of these types of blog posts, because when I write these types of blogs the words just flow. However! Is that interesting? Is that boring? Will you follow me if I do this? I’ve always been a bit fearful of putting too much out there because things live on the Internet infinitely. Will I regret sharing this stuff five years from now?

“Rest” is filling my head with all of those questions. “Rest” is making me analyze and get frustrated beyond words.

Here’s the damned truth. I once wrote a blog about why being a lifestyle expert is stupid. If you haven’t read that, check it out. Because it’s the truth. It’s also true that I may be in a bout of depression right now, which I’ve written about before.

Yes, yes, yes I know what you’re going to say. This too shall past. Other people have it way worse. Stay positive, stay focused. Yada yada yada. But I need to vent so I can put it out into the universe and let that float for a bit.

So here are my questions for you lovely people reading this:

1. Why do you follow me?
2. Why are you reading this blog?
3. Do you ever recommend my blog to friends?
4. If not, why the hell not? 🙂 Ha. Had to throw that in there.

I have zero end or point to this blog post other than to say – I’m not feeling my best right now. I don’t feel like a great wife and certainly not a great Mother. I’m not up to date on their homework, in school activities, playing with them and I’m super grumpy from pain and frustration. I’m in a moment of selfishness trying to heal and maybe self pity.

PS to my family and friends who may be reading this – no need to phone the police or call me. I’m fine. I truthfully am in an “I want to be left alone” phase. I’ll get over it. Maybe I need sunshine and a blow out. Maybe I need to finally take a bath like I loved doing so much. Or maybe I need to finally get out of damned sweatpants that I have to live in for physical therapy. Regardless, no need to call in the troops, I promise!

To the rest of you lovely people still reading this (very!) long winded pity party blog, thank you. The forum isn’t lost on me, as is the beautiful notes you all send me to cheer me up!